and, of course, it gets more complicated than that...

so, like, because nothing is ever simple...

alright, here goes. So, during said 5 or so dates with boy from previous post, he (yes, he, not me, he) noticed a small lump in my boob. And I was all like' what evs! it's hormonal" at the time. But then said lump grew some. I became concerned, saw my Dr, She was concerned, had an ultrasound, they were concerned, and today had a biopsy done, and am now myself more than a little concerned. Not to mention sore. My left boob is like swollen 2 sizes larger than the right one, and I have put frozen edamame in my shirt to help the swelling.

all this has happened in like, a week. should I be concerned about the unusual speediness of our overburdened health care system? best not to think too hard about it, i think. Thanks to Mr Brown for wandering the streets with me, while I was all doped up on anaesthetics and pain pills, buying trucker hats and tubes of paint, and coffees in quirky diners, keeping my mind off things. I'm sure it's all fine. I mean really, it's fine. I'm fine. totally fine. Other than the mega cramps, full moon flightyness, and hole in my boob, i'm fine. really.


And the moral of this story? apparently, i need to play with my own boobs more. *sigh*

growing pains

so, to add to the list of things I should know by 25...

I'm not looking for sympathy or whatever, this is just one of those things that happen in life, that kinda stop you in your tracks, even if you were expecting it sooner or later...

so, I went crazy a few years ago... not to make light of a heavy situation, but shit happens, and yeah, I see now i dealt with it rather poorly, but to be fair, I wasn't in the most grounded state of mind... It just felt like the waters of life were getting way too dep and i didn't know how to swim. So i slit my wrists, and spent 6 weeks at the Foothills Country Club (psychiatric ward #23) and eventually realized I wasn't crazy after all. Yes, I had to go crazy to find out I was sane after all. and so after years of meds and trying to communicate with thereapists from another planet, I came to realize that i needed to find my own path, find what makes me happy, and hold on to that for dear life. And I did. I found the most amazing people who I know are gonna be life long friends, no matter what or where. i followed some dreams, and realized i could make those come true as well. and I grew hugely as a person. and that's fabulous.

but here's the rub, you see, for this growth came at a small cost. I know for a fact that the scars on my wrists have cost me more than one job opportunity, and more that one possible friend or aquaintance. and generally, I don't give a fuck about some shitty job ( i mean really, I'd have quit by now anyway ) or some lame person that is too simple or close minded to see past such things.

and then i met this guy (yeah, it's always some guy... i know...) we went on a few dates, whatever. He was actually a working combination of intelligence, wit, humour, and looks. I know, a rarity! and then he saw these scars and ran for the hills. Not that I blame him per se, i mean no one should have to deal with other people's baggage. But that's just it, i'm very conscious of always carryiong my own load, and not leaning on anyone. anyways, I guess I feel ripped off, some how, like being unfairly accused of a crime I didn't committ.

and what really pisses me off is that I am still kinda hung up on this guy. This has never really happened before either, i mean, i'm too much like an alley cat and usually can't sit still long enough to get attachted to anyone like this. i mean really, it was like 5 dates. not that big a deal. and yet, I feel... I dunno... like he was this mud puddle i stepped in, and it sucked the shoe off my foot, and now I have to walk who knows how far along this path with one shoe and one sock. It's not stopping me from walking, but i still notice with every other step that I'm missing my shoe. and I guess it's starting to piss me off a little. I mean, I'm no the type of girl who goes around allowing people to take her shoe so easily. I'm usually way more guarded than that. and I know i'll find another pair of shoes, and eventually forget all about this, i suppose. but for now, I think i'm still a little cross with the puddle that stole my shoe.

i go camping now

I am somewhat excited, to go camping! even if it is with work peeps. i'm gonna eat chips (crisps, for those around the globe who don't speak canadian) and tofurkey dogs all weekend, and then come home with a tummy ache! what a good plan!

I got the hugest almost sunburn today, and I have an amazing tan line. Just thought you'd like to know.

Cheerio! Oh, no, I mean, Fruit Loops!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I so funny, with the fruit loops... i crack myself up, I really do!

i am proud like her mother!

Everyone should check out Whitney Layne! She's awesome! we worked together in hell some years back, and now she's a singer-songwriter-guitar player soon to be in culinary school. Checked out her show last night- it was amazing! so much amazingness! It was awesome! the angry keyboardist after her was not so amazing.

art gala extraordinair!

Oh yes, it was all about me! okay... so it had very little to do with me. i went to the Calgary Timeraiser event this evening with the always lovely Mr. Brown. It was... well... it reminded me why I went to art school and quit my jobs every 32 seconds... i just don't want to end up one of those people. i have nothing to say to them, these overly groomed office types who are so very uninteresting because they've never done anything worth doing, or taken a risk in life because they are too afraid of what others will think of them... okay, so i'm a little drunk off one glass of wine and too many carbs at Denny's but still... anyways, in a room full of eligable bachelor's, they were all douche bags. every single one. But my painting was on the wall, and that's fab! i'll take all the press i can get!

Mega Update

okay... so it's been a while... and by a while I mean ages! I'm sure everyone I know has given up even the faintest hope of checking for a new post here! ha ha! well... Life has been busy, what can I say? I got a new job... loved my new job... came to hate my new job... became indifferent about the job, and am now looking for a new job! I know! you don't need to say it, I have issues! But also, I have a mega tan! sweet!

I met a cute boy. we went on dates. He put me in the friend zone on the first down. after confusion, my stubborness set in and am now making it my mission du jour to make him be my friend. I am okay with this. He? maybe, maybe not, but what evs!

There are kittens upstairs

I changed the oil in my automobile, and it was only 9000 km over! eeeeep! engine sludge!

I am looking forward to camping... I think I'll sleep in my car... like a mini camper... a civic camper.... yeah...wait, I meant YEAH!

I baught a new nintendo game for $2 at a flea market. it was scary.

I am stealing big brother's friend jessica from him and making her my new best freind. (but not my new Uber-always-mostest-fabulous-mega-greatest friend, so don't worry Mr. Brown! and by worry, i clearly mean don't replace me! seriously!)

I am looking forward to visits from family!

Oh yeah! I moved, and also am super glad that no one is sick, dead or dying for once in my family! (i hope! I am furiously knocking on wood! all kinds of wood!)

I watche dMel Gibson's Apocalypto... It was very good. Mel gibson is a turd though. but watch the movie. for free if you can manage, cause Mel don't need your money!

Went to a mini highschool reunion with the girls I knew in HS but haven't talked to since the last bell at 3:15pm some 8 or so years ago... It was as though everyone had swelled... i looked fabulous though,, and also i don't have several children weighing me down, so I win!

Uuuummm... Italian lessons are great!

and other stuff too!

OMG Facebook has stolen my life!

seriously! and I swore I'd NEVEr join! ha ha ha!